


You Either Die A Hero . . .

by RennyBanette



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Time Loop, and also extremely bored, confused reactions from people who aren't in the loop, fives is the master of creative murder, it's hilarious, krell dies in multiple ways, rex has about zero fucks to give, the entire 501st is insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23205823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RennyBanette/pseuds/RennyBanette
Summary: . . . or get bored enough to screw up the timeline.
Comments: 38
Kudos: 729





	You Either Die A Hero . . .

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [If at First You Don't Succeed...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2455739) by [Feneris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feneris/pseuds/Feneris). 



> Also posted on FF.Net

Anakin's not really sure what he's expecting when he steps onto the remains of Umbara.  
  


He'd been called away by the Council, only to be called back less than forty hours later, because apparently his entire battalion had disregarded orders, set fire to half the battlefield, blew up the rest, and then proceeded to turn on Krell and shoot him in the face. He'd also heard that they'd made a suicide rush for some random airbase that Obi-Wan thinks might've ended up being vital to their campaign on Umbara, if only the 501st hadn't collectively gone insane and terrified the locals into surrender.

  
He lands at the airbase, or what's left of it, and steps off the transport with Obi-Wan and a very confused Ahsoka at his side.

  
There's a group of fifteen or so clones dancing around a giant bonfire, while a body that looks suspiciously like a certain Besalisk burns on a stake in the middle of it. Others are sitting on the floor or on various crates, passing around clearly-illegal liquids. A few are obviously high, even though Anakin can't see any drugs.

  
They find Rex sitting in the command tower, apparently waiting for them.

  
He doesn't even bother to stand up, he just waves lazily and goes back to tossing his helmet at the ceiling. There's a large dent that suggests he's been doing it for some time.

  
"Rex," Anakin says slowly, "what happened?"

  
"Blame Dogma," Rex tells him, almost grumbling. "He got us all drunk and then shot Krell before we could stop him. Bastard, I said it was _my_ turn this time . . ."

  
There's silence for several moments.

  
" . . . What the _fuck_?" Anakin almost squeaks.

* * *

  
  
Obi-Wan is fully aware of how crazy the 501st is. They're led by Anakin, his former Padawan, and Ahsoka, his former Padawan's _current_ Padawan, so they'd have to be at least a _little_ bit crazy to keep up with them.

  
But this? This is just downright psychotic.

  
Rex is apparently the only one left standing, though he's missing an arm. He seems entirely unconcerned by it. Nor is he bothered by the various bodies of Umbaran soldiers scattered around here and there, not all of them whole.

  
Obi-Wan has several questions. He picks one at random.

  
"Where are your men?" Obi-Wan asks.

  
"Hell if I know," Rex responds, completely deadpan.

  
The crushed body of a random Umbaran soldier chooses that moment to adhere to the laws of the planet's gravity; it slides off the tree it's been stuck on, and plops onto the ground between them.

* * *

  
  
"Maybe we should just blow up the entire planet this time," Fives suggests.

  
"How would we even do that?" Tup wonders.

  
"I can rig together every single explosive on the ship," Hardcase volunteers.

  
"We could attach them to Krell!" someone shouts excitedly.

  
"Good luck getting him to stand still long enough for it to work . . ."

* * *

  
  
"General Krell, it's an honour to-"

  
"Bark."

  
Anakin pauses, and looks around for the source of the odd noise. After a moment of silence, he shrugs and turns back to Krell.

  
"It's an honour to meet you," he says.

  
"Bark-bark."

  
"This is Rex, my-"

  
"Bark."

  
"Skywalker," Krell growls, "that clone at your side is annoying."

  
Anakin narrows his eyes. "How _dare_ you-"

  
"Bark," Rex says.

  
" . . . Rex? What're you-"

  
"Bark-bark-bark."

  
"Woof!" Fives screams from somewhere nearby.

  
"Bark!" Rex snaps back.

  
"Guys, we agreed on cats this time!" Kix shouts.

  
"Shit, sorry."

* * *

  
  
Cody has no idea what the hell Rex and the 501st are doing anymore.

  
At first, reports coming in had said that the 501st had committed mass-desertion, but then suddenly they'd shown up in the middle of the battle for the capital and had promptly razed it to the ground. Then they'd stolen every single starfighter they could find, decimated the battle taking place in the sky overhead, and had then proceeded to gatecrash and subsequently bomb every other battle that happened to be taking place on the planet at the time.

  
Oddly, the foremost question in his mind isn't why they've apparently lost their minds, but how in the hell had every single one of Rex's men managed to figure out how to fly Umbaran starfighters so quickly?

  
He and Waxer find Rex waiting for them in the burnt ruins of one of the bombed battlefields.

  
"I have no excuse," Rex tells them.

* * *

  
  
"Oh, looks like he's getting overwhelmed," Fives comments idly.

  
"Is he? Thought Jedi were meant to be all-powerful," Rex yawns.

  
"Apparently four arms and two of those double-lightsabre things isn't enough to save him from the entire Umbaran army."

  
"Oh, what a shame. If only we weren't stuck back here on standby."

  
"If only."

  
"Popcorn's ready!" Appo calls.

  
"Caramel!" Fives demands, eagerly turning in his seat.

  
"I'll take salted," Rex requests, still watching Krell fighting the Umbarans. "Oh, hey, Fives, he just got shot."

  
"Aw, crap, I can't believe I missed that . . ."

* * *

  
  
The Separatist battleships fall to the ground in pieces.

  
"I did _not_ think that would work," Jesse mutters.

  
"Have more faith in Rex's plans, will you?" Kix stretches his arms above his head.

  
"Rex's crackhead plans are the only reason I haven't shot myself in the face yet."

  
"Wonderful. You're a true inspiration to the younger generation."

  
" _What_ younger generation? Most of us are twelve."

* * *

  
  
"These loops are killing me," Rex groans, from where he's lying on a crate in the airbase hangar.

  
"Why not just shoot yourself then?" Fives doesn't look up from his datapad. "You'll come back next time anyway."

  
"I wanna see how this one ends," Rex mutters.

  
"Hey, Fives," a shiny trooper - who's admittedly probably not a shiny anymore, considering how many times they've re-lived Umbara - calls from across the hangar. "Krell's on his way."

  
"Alright, ready the starfighter and take aim," Fives orders.

  
Rex turns his head to watch the hangar doors slide open.

  
Before Krell can even open his mouth to yell at them, the clone inside the starfighter fires the cannon and vaporises him.

  
"Could've sworn the Jedi had better reflexes," Rex says.

  
"I don't think anyone could deflect a cannon blast," Fives replies, shrugging.


End file.
